Oh the Possibilities!

I know. I know. Its been way too long. Many of you have asked for an update but honestly I’ve spent the last 2 months just feeling quiet. Part of that may be the recoil from how exposed I felt after the last post, or the desire that wells up in me to buckle down and do things myself. But like I mentioned before, I feel like God has called you to be a part of this journey with me, so here we are. Let me pause and say thank you for your encouragement and prayers. The mass amount of accountability is scary but the support is nice.

Since veracity could very well be my middle name, let me confess that the last 8 weeks have not been filled with Richard Simmons excitement about exercise. In fact, I won’t even pretend that I have participated in some type of strenuous, muscle-engaging activity every day since the last time we talked. As enthusiastic as I was to be a new and improved person over night, that has not been the case. Most days I still don’t want to get up and get moving, but despite that fact, many days I still have. I do notice that on the days when physical activity is high, the desire for self-destructiveness is low. This physiological correlation between endorphin release and pain relief is the real deal. So I have to keep telling myself, just do it!

One of the major frustrations I have faced in my attempt to be more active, is the way my body starts to hurt in a not good way. I love, love, love me some Zumba. The music, the dancing, the sweating, the laughing - its all good stuff, except after every class my knees have screamed at me for mercy. My knees have literally taken a pounding for many years now under the pressure of my plus sized earth suit and they just don’t appreciate the 45 minutes of hopping, jumping, twisting and lunging. Frustrations like this one typically breed hopelessness in me. The all or nothing way that my brain works, says “this is impossible” and I start to believe that my physical me will never be different. But, a little over a week ago I was reminded that I am not on some ordinary adventure, I am on a mission with God. And with God. . . All things are possible.

Two Fridays ago I attended a healing conference in San Marcos. An awesome teacher and leader from Bethel church in California was speaking and I was interested in what he had to say. My full intention of attending this conference was to listen, discern and perhaps be equipped. I had no other expectations. Towards the end of the evening, there is a time for prayer, specifically, healing prayer. Members of the Bethel team stand up front and start calling out ailments, if you hear an ailment that you suffer from, you are to stand, and then when the time comes people in the audience (everyday people like me) are going to pray for each other. Headaches, broken bones that never healed correctly, nerve pain, backaches, irritable bowel syndrome, knee problems. . .knee problems? I think my knees actually straightened themselves so that I was suddenly standing involuntarily! The list continued and then it was time to pray. This sweet lady that I never met before came over and prayed for my knees. She would pray and I would test it out. “Feels a little better.” She would pray again and I would test it out again. “I think the left one feels good, but the right one still hurts.” She prayed again and I would test it. “They feel better. Yeah.” They did feel better but I wasn’t truly convinced. I know that sounds like I lack faith, but I’m just being honest. I thought they felt better but I just wasn’t sure.

As I walked to my car that night, as I walked up the stairs to my house, as I prepared for bed, I noticed that my knees really did not hurt. What!?!? I wasn’t familiar with these non-complaining knees. I went to bed that night thanking God for healed knees. I was going to claim the victory and refuse to listen to the skepticism in my brain. The next morning I was rushing around preparing for my grandpa’s 80th birthday party, I didn’t have time to really think about or process my still not-hurting knees except every time I stepped down steps or kneeled down to reach things I would laugh out loud as I remembered that my knees were healed and felt great. I was seriously in awe, kind of still am. What just happened? I mean, I believe in the bible and that the accounts recorded are true. I believe in miracles. I pray for others to be healed and believe that God can and will heal them. But, y’all, God healed my knees. This thing that was a road block on this trek with Him and He removed it. Just like that.

I am anxious to see what else God has in store. I know that this journey is not just a physical one. It began with an attempt to stop a physical manifestation of an emotional pain. Recently, I feel like God is highlighting the emotional, mental and soul-deep places He wants to heal. I’m ready.