On A Mission

Many of my friends, family and just people I know have asked me recently what mission I will be going on this summer. For the past two years, I have participated in overseas missions to both China and Kenya. Both experiences were amazing and life changing. I knew that God had something in store for me for this summer as well, and although I had my own inclinations as to what that would be, I had no clue what it would look like until about 2 weeks ago.

Roughly two weeks ago I met with a trusted friend and after we had chatted over dinner and discussed life issues for quite awhile, I warned her that I had a confession to make. This friend knows me well and she loves me well, she has cried with me and she has rejoiced with me. She listened as I confessed my new struggle in regards to self-injury. My 20 year battle with “cutting” was not new to her but my new method of self-injury was. I explained to her how in my effort to figure out why this behavior was so alluring to me that I had researched and discovered that my self-injuring behavior was a physiological solution to emotional pain or stress. What this means is… when I am in emotional distress or overwhelmed by life stress, physically hurting myself helps me feel better, not because I’m crazy (which is what I have told myself in the past) but because it causes the body to release endorphins - the body’s natural pain-reliever. Many common bad habits release endorphins, some good habits do, too. The good news in this revelation was 1. less indication that I am, in fact, crazy 2. understanding the mechanics behind this issue could help me find a solution.

Another aspect of cutting is the physical evidence that is left behind. The mark or soreness associated with the wound has always served, for me, as a reminder of the feel good feeling. It makes the need to injure less frequent. My friend and I brainstormed possible replacement habits. In other words, trading an unhealthy habit for a healthier one: one that would produce the same results- release endorphins and leave a lasting soreness. It was quite humorous as we struggled in my living room to find an exercise-type activity to meet the qualifications. We eventually came up with some suggestions. The plan. . . when faced with the desire to injure myself, do the replacement action instead. Of course, God had a bigger plan.

Early the next morning (early being a relative term that really refers to anything before 10am) I receive a hesitant email from my friend. You know when you get that e-mailed filled with “hear me out!” and “think and pray about this before you respond”? It was just that. She explained that earlier this same morning she had a thought suggesting a different plan in relation to my self-injury solution. Now what that means to me at a few minutes shy of 9am, is that God implanted this idea into my precious friend’s heart and mind. How do I know this? My friend is not typically awake and fully functioning enough at 9am to have had a revolutionizing idea complete with a supporting literary example and compose a persuasive email to me about it without some divine intervention. Give her some time and a Dr. Pepper maybe, and she’s fabulously intelligent but it was 9o’clock on a Friday morning and I just knew this was all God. So the pitch went like this, “What if you didn’t wait for you to want to hurt yourself? What if you did something everyday that brought pain in a healthy way? What if you embarked on something that purposefully kept you in a healthy kind of pain for a long season?” You know how else I knew this was from God? What she was saying made perfect sense to me.

So I started asking God what this would look like. I kept getting the dates, June 15^th - December 15^th. Exactly 6 months. Six months of purposeful healthy pain. . . I think I’ve been tricked into an exercise plan, ladies and gents! The thing is, if I were to conjure up this idea of exercising for 6 months straight, it would never work, I would never do it. But entering into a commitment with God with the focus of breaking the chains and 20 year battle with self-injury. . . for some reason I feel like I can do that. Even if THAT looks like exercise. You know what I am most hesitant about? The fact that I’m certain God has asked me to share this journey with you. I’ve received several confirmations that this is something I am supposed to blog about. Hence, you are knee deep in my story now and I have more accountability than I comfortable with. I trust God’s sovereignty in what He is asking me to do - all of it - I just feel “exposed”.

Yesterday, Sunday, June 15^th was Day 1 of Mission Break These Chains. I decided that my steep driveway would be a good place to start. I get winded walking from the garage door to the carport (stretch of driveway pictured above), so front gate to carport seemed like a challenge I was willing to start with. I went out “early” Sunday morning with the intention of walking the driveway as many times as necessary to push past my comfort zone. The idea is to inflict pain, remember? Many laps into it I had the hair-brained idea to do lunges. It was painful, that’s for sure.

This is what I learned:

• When God calls you to do something, he gives you the ability and the desire even. I didn’t think I would be able to do one lap up and down the driveway, but I did 5 PLUS a lap of pure lunges. . .really? I actually can’t wait to do it again. Wait?!? Did I just say that? Speaking of lunges. . . .
• Doing lunges going down a steep incline is really hard and nearly impossible. I was so afraid I was going to faceplant! The last few yards my lunges turned into some kind of sideways crabwalk squat. In the middle of one very awkward squat I thought, “maybe this is training to return to an overseas mission field where squatty potties are the norm”. Who knows?
• Also, Sweatbands really do work. I may have looked like a wannabe Richard Simmons but I felt like a million bucks!

Today, Monday, was Day 2 and I lifted some weights. My arms were feeling a little left out after my legs got to participate in yesterday’s Lunge Fest. Tomorrow I will tackle the driveway again and see what happens. I’m not sure what will unfold as each day goes by, but with trust and confidence I walk boldly into the next 6 months to see what God has in store.

Lesley