Relational Needs

Today I woke up feeling rejected and lonely. Overwhelmingly so. Like I wanted to get up and eat some ice cream and then crawl back in bed. Yes, it was that bad. 

My feelings seem unwarranted when I reflect on the activities of the last week. Over the last several days I have received numerous letters from people I know and respect expressing how wonderful and loved I am. Letters to a potential employer about how blessed they would be to have me on their team, on their side or in their life. 

In the last week I have also spent time with people who I enjoy, most of which I had not seen in while. We watched football games, shared meals, watched movies, and talked about our recent experiences. So why then do I feel so isolated and misunderstood? 

Many years ago I was introduced to a concept of relational needs. Dr. David Ferguson of Intimate Life Ministries provides a list of relational needs that all people need in varying degrees to be emotionally satiated. The list is as follows: acceptance, affection, appreciation, approval, attention, comfort, encouragement, respect, security and support. 

You and I each have high needs from this list. Each person's needs are different; Similar to the concept of love languages. My highest needs are affection and comfort. When I experience stressful situations, life changes and moments of grief my needs grow more intense. I would gather it would be the same for anyone. 

In the last 2 weeks I have experienced some significant change - changes in plans, expectations and in schedule. The last 2 weeks have also been sprinkled with disappointment and loss. In addition to those things, I have also entered a whole new realm of vulnerability as I have discussed over and over again a huge desire of my heart, divulged a big risk that I have recently taken, and asked others for help in making my dreams a reality. All of these things have skyrocketed my relational needs.

As I have read through all the letters flooding my inbox, I have received the components to satisfy the needs of appreciation, encouragement, respect, and support. Through spending time with friends and family I have had the needs of acceptance, approval, and attention met as well. These are wonderful things that I love and appreciate. They are necessary for life; But recall I mentioned that my highest relational needs are affection and comfort.

I am a single adult who lives alone. I am a strong and capable woman whose vibe is often independent and self-sufficient. For the most part, I take care of myself and get stuff done because I have no choice but to. I suppose this isn't exactly a formula for a life full of cuddles and handholding. This isn't the recipe for having a shoulder to cry on while someone tells you everything is going to be alright. 

Could this explain why I may FEEL so rejected and lonely even though the facts prove I am neither alone nor outcast? 

Let me offer an analogy. Say you are taking a shower and you have no shampoo. You call for someone to bring you some and instead of bringing you shampoo they bring you lotion. While you appreciate that someone came to your rescue in your time of need, you still have no shampoo. And, although lotion is a necessary part of the getting ready process it will not do the job of shampoo. If you try to substitute the lotion for shampoo, you will end up in a worse position than where you started. So there you stand, wet and vulnerable still lacking what it is you need while holding an abundance of something you're not quite ready for. 

Too bad there is not some sort of Hug It Out Coffee Shop I can go to where some stranger will hold me while I cry... And, although I often get the urge to hold hands with fellow shoppers in the grocery store, I refrain because it's socially unacceptable and possibly interpreted as "creepy". So what can I do?

Today I chose to push past the feelings and examine the facts. I have a good life filled with people who love me. Sometimes what I need is exactly what they offer me and sometimes it's not. But, the fact is they're present, and we can all learn how to love each other better. 

I also chose to be vulnerable and let you in. Part of me says that makes me open to both actual and perceived rejection (and that may be true) but a greater part of me knows someone else needs to hear what I have to say. 

Some days are harder than others to get out of bed. Some days the feelings are overwhelming and make no sense. But, you and I are not broken. We live in a broken world that is chaotic and painful at times. We inhabit these bodies and minds that have relational needs that aren't always being met. We live in communities of people that are imperfect and we don't always know how to ask for what it is we really need. 

For me, knowing I'm not alone gives me the strength to keep putting one foot in front of the other. For me, understanding what it is behind the feelings that I am enduring helps me know what in my life need to change - whether it's my perception, who or what I turn to for help or how I teach others to treat me. 

Push past the feelings.

Examine the facts.

Let someone in. 

Believe that you are not broken and know that you are not alone.