In Texas We Call it Saw Daddy

Recently I came across word that vehemently tugged at my being; Saudade. Saudade is a Portuguese word that attempts to describe the intense longing one feels for a love that is no longer or perhaps never was. It encompasses a gut-wrenching desire for something that is just beyond your grasp. It is not just a wish that hasn't come true or dream that is unfulfilled, but more a state of mourning for something that was or could be life-altering.

For me, the saudade I experience sits deep down within who I am. Its a consistent yearning for something other than what is. I can't remember a time when this feeling didn't frequent me. I remember being 11 or 12 years old, laying on the floor of our living room and telling my mother that I wanted to go home. "We are at home", she stated, as if I was talking about a physical location. I didn't have the words as a child to describe what I meant by home, I just knew where I was wasn't it.

I've yet to figure out what can adequately fulfill the longing within me. Sometimes, I think when I'm a wife or a mother, when I have the right job or I find my ministry niche. Maybe if I can love God enough, or if I can truly allow others to love me. I don't know.

The thing is, I can go throughout my day and walk through life relatively happy. I am able bodied and well taken care of. I have enough things and people in my life to say that it is good. I know that God loves me and my faith is secure, yet, saudade is present. I have described it as an emotional equivalent to the physical feeling of hunger. That burning in the pit of your stomach when you've completely missed mealtime, its like that except the burning, empty feeling rests in the depths of my soul.

As I shared with some friends about my word discovery, one asked how it would be pronounced. It's Portuguese and the pronunciations I have heard sound like Soh-dad or sew-daud. One friend was convinced it looked as if it should be Saw Daddy and among my closest friends that pronunciation has stuck. So, I'm not exactly sure how they say it in Portugal, but in Texas we call it Saw Daddy.