Songs I Currently Love

Day 4 of the November Blog Challenge

Goosebumps by Meghan Trainor

I love this song because I cannot help dancing and singing along whenever it is on. It’s so fun and upbeat, like so many Meghan Trainor songs are. So many Meghan Trainor songs could have made this list! 

New Wine by Hillsong United

“So I yield to you and to your careful hand; when I trust you I don’t need to understand”  The lyrics to this song y’all. All of them. They remind me that God is sovereign and trustworthy and that’s all I need to know. 

Who Says by Selena Gomez and The Scene 

“Who says you don’t pass the test?” 

“Who’s says you can’t be the best?”

“Who says?” 

This one hits hard for me as I watch those close to me say and think things about themselves that they would never say or think about their friends. As women our negative self talk is sometimes our worst enemy, and it breaks my heart when I see my loved ones treat themselves in a way they would never tolerate from someone else. 

Bathroom Floor by Maddie and Tae

Girl power, fierce support of girlfriends, and a good beat - that’s all I need in a song. “Let’s show that heart some neon magic, ‘til we’re drunk and laughing back on the bathroom floor.” 

Don’t Let Her by Walker Hayes 

Such a sweet song. “This goes out to whoever takes me place.” The video is precious, too. The song’s catchy. You may need tissues. Just sayin’.  “And if she ever misses me, please... don’t let her. Make her feel better, say something funny, say something about the weather, tell her wherever I am I’m good, and if she’s thinking she could love again she should. Understood?” 

Ways to Win My Heart

 Day 3 of the November Blog Challenge

The number one way to win my heart is to hold my hand. I know. I know. Awkward. So most of your probably aren’t going to do that. Good, tight hugs will win you points as well. Or shoulder rubs. Or just sitting really, really close.... oh, wait, I think we circled back around to awkward. 

Another way to win my heart is to be a baby, or a kid that is 5 years old or younger, or an elementary age kid with a great personality, or a teenager with a unique perspective. 

Also, you could be a taco or a plate of nachos, or a really yummy tea, or quality coffee with really good creamer. 

One really solid way to win my heart is connection through conversation and through experience. I love talking and listening and processing and sharing. Whether it’s in person or on the phone, texting, email, or a letter. I love words and I love exchanging stories. I love knowing things about people. I love observing people in different situations or hearing things about their pasts or what they think about certain things. I absolutely love fun facts and that includes fun facts about people. 

My Favorite Quote

Day 2 of the November Blog Challenge

This quote by Timothy Keller is my all-time favorite. I spent a long time being liked and feeling loved but not known. I’ve always had a bubbly personality. I’ve always had the ability to make people laugh. I’ve never been afraid to perform. I’ve always been good at things. Yet, none of that requires authenticity. None that requires vulnerability. So while I was well liked and even loved for the joy I brought to others I interpreted all of that positive connection as superficial. 

It wasn’t until I was in my late 20’s, that I started seeing the value in being real. I found a community of people who were safe, who modeled genuine relationships, who rejoiced with each other in celebration and who prayed and mourned with each other in hardship. People who were open and honest with each other, who knew all the good AND the junk about each other and who loved each other even more for it. I experienced how freeing it truly is to be real with others, with myself, and with God; to be loved by others, myself, and God, in whole and not in part. That freedom changed my relationships and it changed my life. 

I no longer have any desire to fill my world with pretense. I am who I am... an imperfect person in love with a perfect God trying my best to fulfill the mission He designed for me during my time on this earth. I strive to be compassionately honest, always. I seek to take the days as they come and learn from what they bring. I hope to spread light and joy and hope and love and never hate or bitterness. 

And, the longing of my heart is that I also contribute to a safe place where people feel fully known and truly loved, so that they too can experience the totality of who God created them to be and enjoy life in abundance. 

20 Facts About Me

Welcome to Day 1 of the November Blog Challenge. 

Today’s topic is 20 Facts About Me. Here we go:

1. I can’t eat anything cooked or heated in the microwave or it makes me instantly sick. 

2. I dislike plastic. 

3. I eat colored candies in rainbow order - first all the reds, then the oranges, then yellows, etc. 

4. I’ve walked on the Great Wall of China.

5. I absolutely love watching game shows. 

6. I prefer tea over coffee and I prefer certain brands of tea over others. 

7. Designing Women’s January 1, 1990 New Year’s episode is my favorite sitcom episode still to this day. 

8. In high school my friends and I met a Leprechaun in downtown Denver, CO. We took several pictures of him and he didn’t show up on any of them. 

9. When I was four I sat in a boiling pot of corn. 

10. I’ve kissed giraffes. 

11. I cannot stand tomatoes, salsa, or ketchup on or mixed with my eggs. 

12. I wish I knew how to play the accordion. 

13. I always carry a reusable spork, a cloth napkin, and metal straw in my bag. 

14. My friend and I skipped a full day of meetings on a school sponsored trip and caught a bus to downtown Orlando, Florida to get our tongues pierced when we were 18. 

15. I have 5 tattoos. 

16. My favorite store is Hobby Lobby.

17. I promise you I cuss more than you think I do.

18. Weird, unusual, fun facts make my heart happy. And vocabulary words!  

19. I’m fascinated by people’s names and why their parents chose their names. 

20. My music playlists are crazy eclectic.

Relational Needs

Today I woke up feeling rejected and lonely. Overwhelmingly so. Like I wanted to get up and eat some ice cream and then crawl back in bed. Yes, it was that bad. 

My feelings seem unwarranted when I reflect on the activities of the last week. Over the last several days I have received numerous letters from people I know and respect expressing how wonderful and loved I am. Letters to a potential employer about how blessed they would be to have me on their team, on their side or in their life. 

In the last week I have also spent time with people who I enjoy, most of which I had not seen in while. We watched football games, shared meals, watched movies, and talked about our recent experiences. So why then do I feel so isolated and misunderstood? 

Many years ago I was introduced to a concept of relational needs. Dr. David Ferguson of Intimate Life Ministries provides a list of relational needs that all people need in varying degrees to be emotionally satiated. The list is as follows: acceptance, affection, appreciation, approval, attention, comfort, encouragement, respect, security and support. 

You and I each have high needs from this list. Each person's needs are different; Similar to the concept of love languages. My highest needs are affection and comfort. When I experience stressful situations, life changes and moments of grief my needs grow more intense. I would gather it would be the same for anyone. 

In the last 2 weeks I have experienced some significant change - changes in plans, expectations and in schedule. The last 2 weeks have also been sprinkled with disappointment and loss. In addition to those things, I have also entered a whole new realm of vulnerability as I have discussed over and over again a huge desire of my heart, divulged a big risk that I have recently taken, and asked others for help in making my dreams a reality. All of these things have skyrocketed my relational needs.

As I have read through all the letters flooding my inbox, I have received the components to satisfy the needs of appreciation, encouragement, respect, and support. Through spending time with friends and family I have had the needs of acceptance, approval, and attention met as well. These are wonderful things that I love and appreciate. They are necessary for life; But recall I mentioned that my highest relational needs are affection and comfort.

I am a single adult who lives alone. I am a strong and capable woman whose vibe is often independent and self-sufficient. For the most part, I take care of myself and get stuff done because I have no choice but to. I suppose this isn't exactly a formula for a life full of cuddles and handholding. This isn't the recipe for having a shoulder to cry on while someone tells you everything is going to be alright. 

Could this explain why I may FEEL so rejected and lonely even though the facts prove I am neither alone nor outcast? 

Let me offer an analogy. Say you are taking a shower and you have no shampoo. You call for someone to bring you some and instead of bringing you shampoo they bring you lotion. While you appreciate that someone came to your rescue in your time of need, you still have no shampoo. And, although lotion is a necessary part of the getting ready process it will not do the job of shampoo. If you try to substitute the lotion for shampoo, you will end up in a worse position than where you started. So there you stand, wet and vulnerable still lacking what it is you need while holding an abundance of something you're not quite ready for. 

Too bad there is not some sort of Hug It Out Coffee Shop I can go to where some stranger will hold me while I cry... And, although I often get the urge to hold hands with fellow shoppers in the grocery store, I refrain because it's socially unacceptable and possibly interpreted as "creepy". So what can I do?

Today I chose to push past the feelings and examine the facts. I have a good life filled with people who love me. Sometimes what I need is exactly what they offer me and sometimes it's not. But, the fact is they're present, and we can all learn how to love each other better. 

I also chose to be vulnerable and let you in. Part of me says that makes me open to both actual and perceived rejection (and that may be true) but a greater part of me knows someone else needs to hear what I have to say. 

Some days are harder than others to get out of bed. Some days the feelings are overwhelming and make no sense. But, you and I are not broken. We live in a broken world that is chaotic and painful at times. We inhabit these bodies and minds that have relational needs that aren't always being met. We live in communities of people that are imperfect and we don't always know how to ask for what it is we really need. 

For me, knowing I'm not alone gives me the strength to keep putting one foot in front of the other. For me, understanding what it is behind the feelings that I am enduring helps me know what in my life need to change - whether it's my perception, who or what I turn to for help or how I teach others to treat me. 

Push past the feelings.

Examine the facts.

Let someone in. 

Believe that you are not broken and know that you are not alone. 

To Live is Christ

“Please note that if I die tonight in my sleep or tomorrow in a car accident or one day walking down the road, that it will not be a tragedy but an answered prayer.” I’ve said these words out loud to friends, more than once. I’ve written them in my journal. I created them and I’ve owned them. You see, I’m am not in the least bit afraid of dying. I am secure in my salvation. I know what glorious home awaits me on the other side of this world. I cannot wait to join in the corporate worship of Jesus. Forever. It’s life that I remain uncertain about.

I’ve struggled to process the news of Robin Williams’ death. Honestly, it being my first week back at work preparing for the new school year, I’ve kind of kept all my thoughts and feelings about it at a distance. But, last night I actually sat and discussed it with a friend and the aching in my heart flooded in. This morning, I sat on my bed and YouTubed Robin’s appearance on the Screen Actor’s Guild before my feet ever touched the ground. As I watched, I smiled and I cringed, I laughed and I cried. All this emotion because I see. I see what most people see; the funny, the genius, the quick wit, the bravery, the boldness, and so much more. But, I also see the man behind all that stage presence. I see the man who nervously avoided almost every question that was asked of him, the man who when he did answer a question, humbly honored the people in his life who had taught him and encouraged his talent, the man who longed for the roar of the crowd but probably much more for the validation and acceptance that can only be experienced in the quiet places, in the one on one, and who likely craved intimacy so deep that he probably felt like it would never be enough. Sometimes, I see people so much, I feel them. I identify with something about them so closely that I know what it feels like to be them, not in full but in part. This has a few times in my life allowed me to fall in love with people I have never met. Although I’ve loved him and his work all my life. . . today I fell in love with Robin Williams.

Timothy Keller is quoted as saying, “To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear.” Sometimes when people bear a seemingly gregarious and attractive personality, they are also painfully aware that the dozens, hundreds, thousands of people who “love” them, don’t really know them at all. Who they love is this persona that is partially this energy that flows through them, either from a creative source - humor, talent - or from a spiritual source (in me, I think what people see is Jesus). The other part of this persona that people love, is what they want you to be for them. They project this trait on you that reflects a desire they wish you to fulfill for them and then they receive it back from you, without realizing you had little to nothing to do with the exchange. What people like Robin Williams (who I believe he was), and me fear most is that if the world really knew us, really knew the depths of our longings and the places we feel we have failed ourselves, others and God, perhaps it would be improbable that any of those people would still “love” us.

The paradox is that I truly and genuinely love people. (I can see that Robin Williams did, too) I really do not know how to half-heartedly love anyone. I want to know every part of the people in my life and I want to love them and accept them for all the imperfections that make them perfectly them. I love people’s laughs and I love their tears. I love people’s confidence and I love it when they can admit they have nothing left to hold on to but a little bit of borrowed faith. There is a friend that comes to mind. She has been daringly honest and transparent with me, so I feel like I know her well. I often tell her, thank you for being you. I absolutely and completely love every amazing and eclectic thing about her. Her accomplishments, her insecurities, her confidence and more so, the way her brow lifts when she’s not too sure if someone in the room is about to embarrass her. All the different parts of her make her uniquely her, and who she is, is precious. I don’t think I could love her any more than I do. This is the way I love most people.

Why is it then that I can love others so fully yet not believe that kind of love exists for me? I feel like I just confessed that I don’t truly believe that any of you love me. That you can’t possibly love me as well as I love you. It sounds so arrogant and prideful. I’m sorry. I feel extremely ungrateful that I can’t accept the love of God and the love of others and let it be enough. Some days the fact that I love each of you is sufficient. On those days, I can take what you give me and cherish it as the icing on the cake of life. Other days, when the waves of rejection and failure and hopelessness come crashing down, nothing seems satisfactory. The emptiness seems so deep that not only do I wonder if I will survive, I worry that if I ask anyone for help that I will bring them down with me.

“For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.” Philippians 1:21 I’ve been ruminating on this verse for awhile now. Of course, for someone who has professed their faith in Jesus, to die IS gain. Heaven is going to be awesome! No more sorrow, no more pain. Heavenly bodies. A seat at the banquet table (I imagine this to be a buffet of all the yummiest foods in the world). But what does. . . to live is Christ. . . mean exactly?

Earlier this year, I willed myself to internalize and believe a truth about God’s character. God is sovereign and trustworthy. I desperately needed to own that fact to endure what I was going through at the time. God is sovereign and trustworthy. I said it to myself several times a day, every day until I knew it to be true. I think about Jesus and how well He knew the Father. He knew His character and He knew His heart. Through His trust and obedience, Jesus honored God and together, through Jesus’ death on the cross, They loved the world into salvation. Perhaps, to choose life, to choose to live even when the darkness seems to be closing in, is to simply trust God to death.

What I think that means to me is that it is not my choice to make about when its my time to leave this earth and perhaps its not even wise for me to pray that it be soon. I have no intention of judging the hearts or minds of those who never had that revelation, I do wish their stories had ended differently, but I have to trust God even in that. The remainder of the Timothy Keller quote that I mentioned earlier goes like this. “To be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from pretense, humbles us out of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us.” I’ve laid my heart out so that you may truly know me, and I commit to doing what needs to be done in order to accept the love in return.

Oh the Possibilities!

I know. I know. Its been way too long. Many of you have asked for an update but honestly I’ve spent the last 2 months just feeling quiet. Part of that may be the recoil from how exposed I felt after the last post, or the desire that wells up in me to buckle down and do things myself. But like I mentioned before, I feel like God has called you to be a part of this journey with me, so here we are. Let me pause and say thank you for your encouragement and prayers. The mass amount of accountability is scary but the support is nice.

Since veracity could very well be my middle name, let me confess that the last 8 weeks have not been filled with Richard Simmons excitement about exercise. In fact, I won’t even pretend that I have participated in some type of strenuous, muscle-engaging activity every day since the last time we talked. As enthusiastic as I was to be a new and improved person over night, that has not been the case. Most days I still don’t want to get up and get moving, but despite that fact, many days I still have. I do notice that on the days when physical activity is high, the desire for self-destructiveness is low. This physiological correlation between endorphin release and pain relief is the real deal. So I have to keep telling myself, just do it!

One of the major frustrations I have faced in my attempt to be more active, is the way my body starts to hurt in a not good way. I love, love, love me some Zumba. The music, the dancing, the sweating, the laughing - its all good stuff, except after every class my knees have screamed at me for mercy. My knees have literally taken a pounding for many years now under the pressure of my plus sized earth suit and they just don’t appreciate the 45 minutes of hopping, jumping, twisting and lunging. Frustrations like this one typically breed hopelessness in me. The all or nothing way that my brain works, says “this is impossible” and I start to believe that my physical me will never be different. But, a little over a week ago I was reminded that I am not on some ordinary adventure, I am on a mission with God. And with God. . . All things are possible.

Two Fridays ago I attended a healing conference in San Marcos. An awesome teacher and leader from Bethel church in California was speaking and I was interested in what he had to say. My full intention of attending this conference was to listen, discern and perhaps be equipped. I had no other expectations. Towards the end of the evening, there is a time for prayer, specifically, healing prayer. Members of the Bethel team stand up front and start calling out ailments, if you hear an ailment that you suffer from, you are to stand, and then when the time comes people in the audience (everyday people like me) are going to pray for each other. Headaches, broken bones that never healed correctly, nerve pain, backaches, irritable bowel syndrome, knee problems. . .knee problems? I think my knees actually straightened themselves so that I was suddenly standing involuntarily! The list continued and then it was time to pray. This sweet lady that I never met before came over and prayed for my knees. She would pray and I would test it out. “Feels a little better.” She would pray again and I would test it out again. “I think the left one feels good, but the right one still hurts.” She prayed again and I would test it. “They feel better. Yeah.” They did feel better but I wasn’t truly convinced. I know that sounds like I lack faith, but I’m just being honest. I thought they felt better but I just wasn’t sure.

As I walked to my car that night, as I walked up the stairs to my house, as I prepared for bed, I noticed that my knees really did not hurt. What!?!? I wasn’t familiar with these non-complaining knees. I went to bed that night thanking God for healed knees. I was going to claim the victory and refuse to listen to the skepticism in my brain. The next morning I was rushing around preparing for my grandpa’s 80th birthday party, I didn’t have time to really think about or process my still not-hurting knees except every time I stepped down steps or kneeled down to reach things I would laugh out loud as I remembered that my knees were healed and felt great. I was seriously in awe, kind of still am. What just happened? I mean, I believe in the bible and that the accounts recorded are true. I believe in miracles. I pray for others to be healed and believe that God can and will heal them. But, y’all, God healed my knees. This thing that was a road block on this trek with Him and He removed it. Just like that.

I am anxious to see what else God has in store. I know that this journey is not just a physical one. It began with an attempt to stop a physical manifestation of an emotional pain. Recently, I feel like God is highlighting the emotional, mental and soul-deep places He wants to heal. I’m ready.